Secret Parent Confessions

So Lily is now four months old and very much established as a character, a life force and arguably the pack leader of our family. Her parents have slotted into the positions required to make the family unit function; we feel better now we know our place and what we need to do.

It has been an interesting journey and now that she has managed to sleep through (a gift she charmingly gave us on the night of her Mom’s recent birthday) and her parents are no longer walking around like bit-part actors from Night of the Living Dead, it is time to clean the slate and confess for a range of inappropriate behaviors in the last four months.

I assume the below are standard breaches of protocol, all easily forgivable with a few extra sessions emptying the Tommy Tippee Sangenic Diaper bin (oops! That is product placement, right? Just to declare we do not own stock in Tommy Tippee we just like a sweet smelling nursery). Apologies in advance to Lily’s Mom for some of the below if they are new to her:

Minor transgressions – everyone does this, right?

Tampering with the baby monitor so that Mom is unaware the volume is off.

Once busted for the above, wearing almost invisible earplugs in bed.

Laughing openly at Mom as she stands in front of me giving feeding instructions with vomit dripping from her freshly washed hair into her fluffy slippers.

Feigning sleep when Lily kicks off at any time between midnight and 6am.

Taking Lily into the toilet and subjecting her to my morning nuclear waste extraction.

Putting my key in the front door, opening it, hearing a wailing child, wondering if I need to pop back out and buy a pint of milk.

What was I thinking?

Taking Lily to the local grocery store, parking the stroller by the deli counter and then drifting away to buy some tomatoes before spotting the stroller ten minutes later, having totally forgotten I was out with her.

Neglecting to cut her nails (that seem to grow back every day?) so she looks like she has been in a streetfight with some inner city youths before her monthly trip to Granny’s where we have to cover her head with various hats to disguise the damage done by the nightly visit of the ‘scratch’ fairy.

I should be locked up for this

Wondering how much she would make us if we put her up for sale on eBay.

Despite all the above and the no doubt universal judgement from readers that our adorable child should be taken away from us immediately, we have already started talking about having another.

Happy parenting to you all!

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